I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
