Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
