My friends, they love my intelligence
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
