Whod you bang
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Is it penis luge time yet?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Randomize
