i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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