wrigley field is MILF paradise
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Randomize
