i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
