You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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