I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
