It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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