Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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