Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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