why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
