Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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