the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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