I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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