Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
We left the knife in your bed.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Gay?
German.
Pity.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
