remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
