I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
