I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
