I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
