So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
