Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
