I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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