She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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