Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
