I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
