but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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