but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
My penis needs a shock collar
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
