I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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