nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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