Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
