I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
