He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I have so many feelings about this burrito
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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