I wannas sexs uuuuu
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
