Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
