guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
