Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I can't put those talents on a resume
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
my poor anus
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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