Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
