even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize
