What tipped you off? The sombrero?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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