apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
