Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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