Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
