Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
