Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
