Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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