i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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