i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize