i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
