And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
