I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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