Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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