Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
