I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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